I am used to getting things done. You know, I set my mind on something…I pour every ounce of myself into it…I get it done. The thing is, I am learning that this doesn’t always work. My Lyme, it has another plan for me. I can’t will it away. No matter how hard I try and believe me, I have tried. I have to trust the journey. I have to surrender. I have to embrace who I am…right now…and abandon my desire to be anything more than this. I have to be patient. Patience…it’s hard! “Nothing ever goes away until it has taught us what we need to know.” ~Pema Chodron
For the past two, plus years I have dedicated myself to beating this disease but maybe my desire to be well is what is holding me back?
I can honestly say that this journey has taught me so much. I have found gratitude. A lot of it. But, old habits die hard and the longer I am sick the harder it feels.
I get scared.
I get frustrated.
I get tired.
I want to be well.
I am learning that the stress that comes with my unending desire to find answers–to find a cure–this could be the very thing that is holding me back.
The anxiety and the pressure that lives withing “I want” may be more debilitating than my actual illness and symptoms.
“Healing requires from us to stop struggling, but to enjoy life more and endure it less.” ~Darina Stoyanova
Clearly, I have more to learn.
I do not have to be well to be happy…to live a full life.
This is out of my control and that is okay.
I have to trust the process.
I have to continue to focus on the joy that is found in every moment. I have learned to do this really well but I am not perfect.
It’s okay not to be perfect.
It’s okay to be vulnerable.
It’s okay to be scared. Frustrated. Sad.
I must be patient. My impatience is the root cause of my grief, anxiety and disappointment.
Patience is hard. It requires that we let go of our fears and expectations. We must surrender to the unknown.
By abandoning this unnecessary pressure I am, in a sense, gaining the control I am struggling to find. I am finding my strength.
Instead of putting all of my energy into finding the answers…I must let go, and dedicate myself to the practice of patience so that the answers can find me.
“Patience is not passive; on the contrary, it is active; it is concentrated strength.” ~Edward G. Bulwer-Lytton
How do you practice patience?
With an open heart,